League: Hampstead 7 - 9 Spencer

There is likely to be a direct correlation between the length of social events following a game and the quality and size of match reports this season. Certain ‘influences’ have an impact on attention and focus and the Sunday after game day is writing day. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions about the events preceding this particular match report and ones in the future.

I was going to talk about the historical significance of Anglo-Amerian relations and how it would influence two teams with obvious national allegiances on and off the pitch. But that would be boring! This is lax and the impact supersedes international relations and all historical significance. This is here, its now and its awesome!

Spencer is off to West London to the glamorous North Kensington with the slightly more famous than The Cricketers pub the swine-tooting ‘Pig and Whistle’ with its beautiful neo-pisshead-classically painted meural.

Upon arriving the players huddled together in a herding mentality by the station to make the arduous and dangerous hundred-meter migration to the Hampstead ground. The threat of a drive-by was all around and Tom ‘I thought this would be a nice area’ Leahy was nervous.

Luckily no player was left behind like an injured gazelle and the team were greeted by Dennis the Hampstead chairman who was sporting his Canadian cap after recently landing back in the UK. Also arriving back in the UK to greet the team was was Jarrad ‘Surely I can’t be Jarrad of the day again!’ Penegraziho who was back from his tour around Europe to play in his last game for Spencer before abandoning us to move to Manchester. Another friendly face was Ant ‘magic trick’ Kirkwood who has refused to give up on the Spencer dream just yet.

Hampstead have a lovely pitch and the weather was fantastic. With Hampstead pushing Spencer close for the league last year it was crucial Spencer got the win to show their dominance. Both teams were as nervous as Jonny ‘polygamist’ Clark dancing alone on the infernos dance floor at 3:15am.

On to the game and with James ‘lets walk, its only around the corner’ Mearns running the warm up and quickly into line drills the team were looking sharp. Whereas our London neighbours Hampstead are having their first training/match of the season. This disparity in pre-season preparation was an ideal opportunity to make an early impact against our London neighbours.

The game started with Gabe ‘I can face with the best’ Barry and Will ‘shoulder popping’ Barry showing up in the usual timely fashion just before the whistle and went straight into action. Hampstead made the first breakthrough with an early goal and let the team know that we’re playing against America here and there is national pride at philly-cheese-steak (pun intended). The game was on, the time to act was now to show what Spencer are made of. I never use sound bites but, ‘the hand of history was on our shoulder’.

Spencer (the team) do have a resident American on the team which was a little worrying as he might switch side. Before the game though Spencer ‘the person’ Reihl showed his true allegiance by burning the stars and stripes and then kicking over a happy meal to show his devotion to the anti-American cause.

Spencer (the team) responded to the Hampstead goal in a truly British way by having some tea, grumbling about something, singing a song about the queen, discussing the weather and then rallied the troops to score four on the trot to take the game to the north American team. It looked like the organisation of Spencer really was beginning to pay off. Jarrad ‘still innocent but probably guilty’ PiennGrazzhio, Joe ‘MY TURN TO TALK!!’ Darkins and Rob ‘I miss my shorts’ Holmes were starting to click in attack.

After the first quarter Spencer were in a good position and the team were gelling well, but Hampstead were improving all the time. With the NSA tapping all Spencer’s emails and phone calls before the game to try and work out our plays it was only a matter of time till they started applying the pressure with their numerical and home advantage. Luckily for Spencer the only thing the NSA found was an exhausting self-shot picture on whatapp of Jonny ‘I always carry tissues in case I bump into an attractive rebound’ Clark.

Hampstead then started closing the gap and made the score line a little uncomfortable. With only two or three goals in the game it was up to Spencer to show their resolve. Rick ‘the rock (inanimate object not wrestler/actor)’ Bone was once again the teams pillar at the back making a string of amazing saves which earned him the Man of the Match award. Maybe the team could just buy him a pint every week and call it the Rick is awesome award? I had the following conversation with the opposition expat keeper:

Hampstead were still having a hard time breaking down the Spencer defence. Tom ‘I make up drinking game rules on the fly’ Leahy, Ant ‘playing for Stockport means you’re a default twat’ Kirkwood and Jonny ‘dating site blacklisted’ Clark were all having a great game. Not to mention Spencer ‘is scoring on Hampstead an act of terrorism?’ Riehl who helped out at the back in long stick and grabbed a shortie to score a sweet goal and help in midfield. What an all round anti-national hero!

The game was moving into the final stages with both teams pushing for the win. Hampstead were taking a lot of shots but were not getting many openings in the middle. Spencer on the other hand were still a force but looking after the ball in attack to try and ride the game out with the highly valuable win against one of the rival teams for the league.

There has to be special mention to the un-sung hero’s in midfield. Outnumbered by their American counterparts the midfield didn’t stop running throughout the entire game and provided amazing transition and goals. Tim ‘my girlfriend gets bored and wants to hang around lax guys’ Holdsworth, Will ‘shiny blue head’ Walker, James ‘no one watches my workout videos’ Mearns, Spencer ‘great all-rounder’ Reihl and Gabe/Will ‘he’s three times my age’ Barry were tremendous. If only the Brits were as successful in the revolutionary war the USA would still be a little backwater British colony.

But Spencer defied the American threat and hung on to be winners in the game with a very welcome final whistle. It was a huge victory not only on the pitch but for universal healthcare, the union jack, the queen, the commonwealth and the empire! I might add that David Cameron’s not included, he’s a proper stuck-up dick that one.

After the game, the team headed to the pig and whistle for beers and pizza. The team basked in the sunshine enjoying a great and important victory. While Jarrad ‘I’m so in love’ Phengah-video had to dress as Rolf Harris as punishment for moving to Manchester and being Jarrad. Being Australian, having a beard and with a dubious background it was a natural fit which he pulled off seamlessly.

Then it was back to the Spencer club to have even more drinks and make sure that Ant ‘can’t wait to have my own space again’ Kirkwood and Jarrad ‘I’m going to live with Ant in Manchester’ Phengpastyo a proper send off. You’ve both been Spencer legends and will not be forgotten.